Today, I walked* ten steps from my hospital bed to the doorway of my room. I crossed the threshold with my walker and took a gander down the hall. It was the most I’ve moved my body since Thursday, May 15th. I was struck by the bright lights and people just… moving. Legs swishing. Knees bending. Feet, just all doing their thing holding up their people.
I am in recovery for an Acetabular Fracture**, multiple pelvic fractures, a pelvic hematoma, lacerations to my left knee, seat belt burns, and assorted other bumps and bruises. I want to tell you all about them, but I keep trying and I keep dissolving into the pain that is sleeping 45 minutes away from my babies. I cannot let myself get too close to that feeling. Y’all, the pain is worse than anything I have ever experienced – it is stabby, fiery, dull, achy, extreme – all in a matter of minutes. And then I realize I have not breathed in the smell of my daughter’s left stinky knee or ran my fingers through my daughter’s curl-acious hair, and I cannot breathe.
Ten steps, more than I’ve moved in the previous ten days. Tomorrow I will move ten more and ten more past that. I will move beyond my doorway. I will stretch and do my exercises and be that much closer to being home with my children. This is just to say, we’re alive , and it’s bad, and we’re all making it with way more grace than we could possibly deserve. With way more prayers*** than I thought could be offered. It’s hard – and being unable to drive/lift/bear weight/carry for the next three to four months will make it harder, but we can do this.
*Walking is not actually walking. It’s moving the bad right leg a little forward, outside of the walker’s space, then moving the walker forward while taking a small hop with the left foot. It’s a lot of hopping and no actual walking. I’m sure I looked comical, but it felt damn good to move.
**The socket where the femur and the hip sort of snuggle is the Acetabulam. My femur pushed through the hip – and that socket – with such force that it left the hip in two pieces and shaved off the roundy part of the end of the femur. I overachieve even when breaking bones.
***Prayers, we are truly asking for them. If you offer up prayers, I would humbly ask you to include my family in your words to your God. If your group or church has a prayer list, I would appreciate you adding my family’s name to it. I can’t believe none of us have really lost it yet, what with what we’ve been staring down, but I can only imagine it’s because I feel like we are a foot deep covered in people’s prayers, good vibes, and heart thoughts. My husband and our caretakers, our girls, and the surgical and health team will so appreciate your help. My recovery would too.