Posted by: cck | June 5, 2013

timing

I’ve been charting for three months now, and nothing’s sticking to my uterus. Nothing’s happening, and I want to stop my feet.

Three months, you ask? Dude, chill. It’s only been three months – relax.

Yes, uh-huh. I nod enthusiastically. Absolutely – it’s only been three months. I’ve learned that my cycle is more like 36 days, which means there’s only ten chances in a year. And last month, or this current cycle whatever – there wasn’t a positive ovulation test to be found. I’m at day 26. And I’m finding it hard to stay positive.

Last time it happened so quickly. Well, quickly in that it took us years to get to the point that we were ready to have a child. Quickly as in two months to the day that we pulled the goalie. Quickly as in we were obviously meant to have this particular child at that particular time – things in the universe aligned. I believe in God’s grace here – I keep getting this overwhelming feeling that I need to trust him.

I’ve been trying to balance my desire to take charge of the life and opportunity I’ve been given AND my desire to let God work in my life. It’s hard – that balance. I don’t believe in the saying that God laughs when you make plans. I think he cheers you on – he’s your biggest cheerleader after all. And so, I’m going to repeat this prayer each and every time I get overwhelmed:

I am good
I belong

I am called

Today, you can accept that
From beginning to end
We are all light and dark

Like those who went before you
And those who come after you
Everyday human

Not the whole picture, not the whole story,
and not meant to be
You were made to be one person
With something to contribute to the whole

And it is time
Time to own that you are here now
Own your gifts
Own your shadows
Your insecurity and maturity
Your true capacity
It’s expanse and it’s limits
Your place, because
No one else can be what you are here to be

So listen to me:
Take yourself off the hook
Do it now
The meat hook, the fish hook
Go back to the field, and back to the water
Get yourself out from under the microscope
Sit up, jump down, be moved to a spacious place
Leave the room where you sit under the jurors gaze
Stand up, walk out, return to your home

And arrive there hearing the voice of God saying:
“Just rest, daughter
Just rest, son
You are good
You belong
You are called
I am giving you all you need
To do the work I have for you
You don’t have to be enough
You don’t have to bring something for everyone

You just need to do what I am asking you to do
You are exactly who I need you to be
For the tasks that are yours
I am not afraid to watch you walk out your calling
Along this unfamiliar path
I will lead you gently
I will gather you in arms that can hold
Severity doesn’t serve
Knowing how is not your savior
Worry doesn’t guard the sacred future
Put down those heavy bricks
I will complete this
I am carrying this
All will be well”

And in answer you say the only thing you can say:
Here I am
I will give myself
I will do it as me

And you hear back what you most need to hear:
Here am I
Here I am
Yours and God’s simultaneous

And you will be able to say what you most need to say:
Children, I honor the life of God in you
I am good, I belong, I am called

If you don’t read The Accidental Pastor, you should totally check him out. I really like his writings.

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