Posted by: cck | May 10, 2012

starting anew

I’ve lived without bipolar medication since early October.  I wasn’t sure I could do it.  At every visit to my OB I asked whether it was safe to go back on meds, just so I’d know if the need arose.  Despite some stressful events – crazy parental emails, hypertension – I haven’t needed it.

It’s been a confidence builder for me, knowing that I can survive a pregnancy.  My hair dryer hasn’t talked to me; I haven’t felt depressed or manic.  It’s been a huge win.

And now, as my days as a fetus hostess are drawing to a close, I’m prepared to go back on medication.  I met with my psychiatrist last weekend and got the plan.  A week (or two) after delivery I’ll start back on Lamictal.  Small doses, building to a medicinal dose.  I never planned to stay off medication for this long, and I always planned to start back on medication.  Going back on medication feels normal, right.

It’s a Category C drug, and yes – I’m nervous about introducing it to my daughter at such a tender age.  Our pediatrician is okay with it, my psychiatrist is okay with it, I’m okay with it.  If at any point she’s not handling it well or if it causes any problems, I’ll stop breastfeeding.  I believe, with my whole heart, that my daughter deserves a happy, healthy mom.  I’m going to give it to her.

I’m actually not too worried about post-partum depression.  I was – before the last eight months of good health.  But now?  I know what depression feels like.  If I have even the slightest inkling I’m heading there, I’m going to jump start my system with some anti-depressants.  It’s not a thing.  I know how to do this.  I know how to stay well, and I will.  It’s just that simple.

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