Posted by: cck | April 22, 2012

relief

I feel a sense of relief.  I’ve reached 34 weeks and I have a perfectly healthy baby in here.  I had an ultrasound – a biophysical profile – on Friday afternoon.  I can’t believe how lucky I am to visit with her so often.  I watched her curl and uncurl her hands, kick her feet, turn and move, practice breathing… it’s all quite miraculous.  She’s perfect.

After being told I’d have a minuscule chance of getting pregnant, I got pregnant.  I didn’t make this up in my head or blow out the facts, I sat across from more than one board certified fertility specialist who told me my best chance of conceiving a child was with ICSI.  Honestly, it doesn’t matter how I got pregnant, but there is this sense of miracle that I can’t deny.

The miracle part continues when I think of how healthy I am.  I’m not talking abut my blood pressure, I’m talking about my brain.  It’s been six and a half months – 197 days – without medication.  I prepared for this intensely – as if I was training for a marathon.  I switched tried-and-true medication; I visited therapists; I journaled; I prayed.  I gave myself the gift of time, of years with no active symptoms.  Even so, I didn’t quite believe I could do it.  And now, I’m in the clear as far as this fetus is concerned.  I’ve done it; I am healthy.  My brain is healthy.

It’s quite a good feeling.  Healthy baby, healthy mom, healthy family.  I’m in Chicago this week, and when I return I’m in the green as far as delivery goes.  We could be welcoming C^3 at any point.  And once again, this shit just got real.

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