Posted by: cck | February 4, 2012

hope

I first started blogging in 2006.  I was late to the party, but I had things to say and a blog seemed like a good place to do it.  I was inspired locally, by friends like lmanning and jcristg.  And I was completely driven to be the next Heather Armstrong of dooce fame.  Or at least be able to hang out with her because I was also so cool and such a good writer.

I am neither so cool nor that good of a good writer.

Nevertheless, I read dooce daily – and have for nearly seven years.  I know, I know – me and a several million other people.  A few weeks ago, she announced her separation, and I felt such sadness for her.  Her, a woman I’ve never met (probably never will).  The weirdness that is celebrity blogging, the weirdness that is blogging – is definitely real.  But that’s not what I wanted to talk about here, in a post titled “hope.”

It hit home because I too separated from my husband.  It was hard, disgustingly hard.  It was also the best thing possible for the two of us – and our union.    I can look back at that – almost three years ago, and believe that.  In the moment and even in the aftermath, I wasn’t so sure.  When the rug is pulled out from underneath you – and you realize it wasn’t just the rug but the actual house foundation that’s gone…  it’s unnerving, scary, sad.

Last night, K and I finished registering for our baby.  We played with strollers we’d researched online, cooed over sweet little baby clothes, and made sure to get the right sort of sling.  I have such hope for our lives – even though there are difficulties and trials galore.  Three years ago, hope was all I had left and I had pitiful enough of it.

I didn’t realize, three years ago, how powerful hope really is.  How it feeds you when you’re starving and tucks you in at night when you think you are breaking.  Hope, grace, whatever you want to call it – it sustained me.  It sustained my husband, and I truly believe we’ll have the kind of relationship that is a true partnership.  That’s not to say we won’t retreat to our corners from time to time or that we’re 50/50 partners, but I know we’ll always come back out from those corners – willing and ready to fight for the type of life we both want.  It’s pretty powerful being on the same page most of the time, and I cherish how hard he works on our relationship.

I hope that dooce gets that too.  Of course, I have no idea what caused her marriage to hurt – what caused her and her partner to retreat to their respective corners, but I hope that if they want to go another round, they find the ability.  Hope, the gift that keeps on giving.

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