Posted by: cck | August 22, 2011

weekend wrap up

I had a blissful weekend.  I was on cloud 9.  Seriously, I’ve never been so excited to have a period.  It was like I was finally a real girl.  Weirdly, K thinks I’m nicer than I’ve been in months.  I’m clinging to the hope that all these girly hormones will actually make a nicer, sweeter cck.  It’s possible, right?

We went sailing and swimming.  Having a gorgeous beach eight minutes from our driveway is almost dangerous.  I say “almost” because after four weekends living here, this was our first foray into heavily salted, warm gulf water.  And it was amazeballs.  I think K is happiest when he’s on a boat – especially one powered by the wind.  He had the biggest grin on his face – seriously, it was intoxicating to see him so happy.  It’s amazing (understatement, over-used) to think of how lucky I am.  I almost gave up on him – and damn, would that have sucked.  I love our marriage.  I’m going to try to really focus on that during this next phase of challenges.  He lights me up in a way that I never thought was possible.  I know I’m good for him (love that modesty), but what the world might not know – he is really really really good for me.

So, what else?  A friend of mine is having her baby (maybe right this second) and it’s super exciting.  I know she’s going to be a good parent – and I mean good in all the ways I hope I can be a good parent (which clearly means awesome – again, understatement and over-used).  I am thankful for reconnecting with her – and amazed at the power of the internets.

Remember me talking about how exciting it is to have a period?  Yeah, well.  About that.  My period actually stopped on Sunday evening.  And it’s not really back.  I’m supposed to go in for an ultrasound and blood test, and I think I need to call the doctor.  Maybe one more wipe test.   (Yes, that’s gross.  Deal.  We’re talking infertility up in here – it’s going to get grosser).

I also started reading this book: Every Drunken Cheerleader: Why Not Me?  If you were a drunken cheerleader who got knocked up, please don’t take offense.  I zipped through half of it last night — and while not amazing well-written (at least compared to my masterful wordsmithing), I really identified with the book.  It’s honest – and as I read it (percentage by percentage – c’mon Kindle, that’s just dumb), I felt like I could breathe.  Here I was – all twisted up about the period stuff.  I’m scared that I won’t be able to give K a family.  I’m worried that there’s something really wrong with me.  I’m ashamed.  I am filled with doubt.

All of that’s normal.  And instead of feeling like I’m whining or that I’m the only one in the world going through this – which I know is totally not the case – I’m feeling a little bit better.  I’m going to whine while I write, as opposed to whistling while I work.  In no small part, this is blog is my journal.  It’s not always going to be funny or well-written or smart.  It’s going to be raw and emotional, sad and depressing, and gawd, I really really want it to be hopeful.

If you were keeping count at home, that’s six versions of awesome.  I’m calling that a total win, doubt filled day or not.


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