Posted by: cck | February 5, 2011

something new

Last Friday I visited my doctor and received a a new prescription, a supplemental prescription.  It’s the first change to my chemical cocktail in nearly seven years – and as soon as I got into the car, I started crying.

It was incredibly overwhelming.  There are few things I want more than to start a family.  It’s the unknown that scares the pants off of me.  I know that I have a condition that makes it difficult for me to function.  Unlike a physical ailment, it leaves me unable to trust my brain, my core, my soul.

For nearly eight years, I have lived with the disease and kept it under my thumb.  I have learned to take care of myself – and, perhaps most importantly, trust myself again.  It hasn’t been easy, but I no longer worry and fret about having bipolar disorder.

Until last Friday.  When I made the decision to change my chemical balance, and add a new drug in order to wean off of my current one.  Lithium – and only lithium – has been my defense against crazy for seven years.  And now I’m going to mess with that.

This is the first step in having a baby.  And I made it.  And last night – a week after just making the decision to do it – I took my first small dose of Lamictal.  Willingly.  I’m making a baby this year, dammit.

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