Posted by: cck | May 1, 2010

the beginning

I want a baby.

If only it was that easy.  I thought I knew the formula: meet partner,  get married,  get pregnant,  have baby.  Seems like an easy equation, right?  I always thought it would be (and still have some sense of faith that it might be).  I met a wonderful man who I really enjoy sharing my life with; if I wasn’t a recovering perfectionist I would claim he was perfect for me.  We’ve survived nearly three years of marriage that has shaken us down and rearranged our lives.  He loves me and I love him.   And now, we’re very ready for a family.

I kept thinking the biological clock thing was bullshit.  It sounded like the female equivalent of blue balls — more myth than fact.  It’s not.  I started getting baby fever a year or two ago, but I always got over it.  It would pass and I wouldn’t think about babies or starting my family or the urge to be a mother.  And then – last week, I started being physically drawn to baby stuff.  For the past three days I’ve been as hormonal as a tween – crying at pampers commercials and yearning for a baby bjorn.  And all I could think – it’s started.  This pull – ten months away from turning thirty – it is as regular and unrelenting as the tides.

Here are my hurdles: I’m bipolar and infertile.  Not insurmountable obstacles on their own, but added together it seems like a battle I’m not sure I can survive.  Fortunately, hormones don’t really worry about hurdles and they don’t take notice of obstacles.  Let’s get started.


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